Funny Clean Jokes Archive

Cat Quizzzzz

2009-05-21T02:18:00.002-07:00

Cat Quiz for Humans (From J Bologna)

Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?
a. Welcome home, I missed you.
b. The phone rang twice while you were out.
c. Feed me, *NOW*.
d. So, I see you didn't bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.

Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?
a. Please don't leave me here all alone.
b. Have a nice day.
c. But what if I get hungry while you out?
d. Kiss that new vase goodbye.

Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?
a. A sign of affection.
b. A demand to be fed now.
c. Have YOU had YOUR shots?
d. An attempt to 'fix' you like you 'fixed' him.

Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?
a. Lemme out - I need to fertilize the garden.
b. Wanna go out and play?
c. Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
d. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?

When your cat stares at you, it means:
a. It is bored silly.
b. It's trying to understand how it's food grows in cans.
c. You are being sized-up for an attack.
d. Human mating habits are disgusting.

Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:
a. A primal instinct is being displayed.
b. You're not feeding me enough.
c. It is showing a sign of affection by sharing.
d. It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned.
e. All of the above.

Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:
a. Let it out immediately.
b. Try to switch it's interests to other things.
c. Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out.
d. If the other cat's owner is attractive, maybe you could double.

Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:
a. It is showing you great affection.
b. It knows you are allergic to cats.
c. It has discovered the fine art of suffocation.
d. You should have let it out tonight.

****************************************************************************

Cat Quiz for Cats (From J Bologna)

Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?
a. It's hungry.
b. It's lost.
c. You're hungry.
d. Let the begging begin.

Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?
a. Supper.
b. Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat.
c. Something to keep you going till supper's ready.
d. Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat.

Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?
a. You're in trouble - better not do it again.
b. Nothing - humans do this from time to time.
c. The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
d. It is time to chew on the cable wire again.

Staircases are for:
a. Getting up to the human's bed at 4am.
b. Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
c. Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d. All of the above.

Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
a. Listen intently, even if you don't understand.
b. Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing.
c. Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing.
d. Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior.

Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
a. Important to humans and should be left alone.
b. Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result.
c. Annoying and should be removed immediately.

Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:
a. Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed).
b. Played with until they stop playing.
c. Presented to your human as a proud trophy.
d. Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping.
e. Consumed for their nutritional value.

A human giving you a bath should be considered:
a. Under no circumstances.
b. Under no circumstances.
c. Under no circumstances.
d. An act of war.
e. All of the above.

Your human's value is limited to:
a. Providing food.
b. Providing water.
c. Letting you out.
d. Providing opposite-gender feline companionship.
e. Leaving you alone.
f. All of the above; if properly trained.

A Kitten's Prayer

2009-05-21T02:18:00.001-07:00

Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human cannot hardly move!
I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and "I want food!"
I sneak up slowly to begin
my nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth-
And my claws I will unsheath
For the morning here
and it's time to play
always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night!

A Great Way to Clean the Kitty

2009-05-21T02:17:00.001-07:00

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog

The 12 Days of Christmas - A Cat's Rendition

2009-05-21T02:15:00.000-07:00

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:

Twelve bags of catnip!

Eleven tarter Pounce treats,

Ten ornaments hanging,

Nine wads of Kleenex,

Eight peacock feathers,

Seven stolen Q-tips,

Six feathered balls,

Five MILK JUG RINGS!

Four munchy house plants,

Three running faucets,

Two fuzzy mousies,

And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!

Cat's New Year's Resolutions

2009-05-21T02:13:00.000-07:00

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any human's bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

A Cat's Guide To Human Beings

2009-05-21T02:11:00.000-07:00

Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

A Cat's Diary

2009-05-21T02:10:00.000-07:00

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage...

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safeties assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

A Cat's Apology

2009-05-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Dog,

I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...

Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.

Best regards,

The Cat

A Cat Workout Program

2009-05-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

Have a good Work-Out!

Calling in Sick (A Cat Owner's Story)

2009-05-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, because I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she harkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).

"Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machine-phobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.

It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, not without consequence, but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

The Bachelor and his Cat

2009-05-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

Buy it Honey!

2008-05-02T04:28:00.000-07:00

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present, "Okay... who's phone is this?"

Feet Fetish

2008-05-02T04:27:00.002-07:00

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

Crime of Passion

2008-05-02T04:27:00.001-07:00

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

Marriage Shorties

2008-05-02T04:26:00.000-07:00

* My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

* My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

* A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

* What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.

* The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

* When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

* Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

* Any married man should forget his mistakes - there is no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Valentines Cards

2008-05-02T04:25:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Four Letter Words

2008-05-02T04:24:00.002-07:00

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Gorilla

2008-05-02T04:24:00.001-07:00

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and
pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

My Husband's Home!

2008-05-02T04:23:00.002-07:00

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

Second Mortgage

2008-05-02T04:23:00.001-07:00

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

Fertile Celebration

2008-05-02T04:22:00.000-07:00

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

How Many Kids?

2008-05-02T04:21:00.002-07:00

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

Hanging About...

2008-05-02T04:21:00.001-07:00

Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks' home one evening, Henry in his pyjamas and dressing gown.

Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy's sticking out!"

Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear. My willy is HANGING out!"

Bad Tooth

2008-05-02T04:20:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.

"I want a toothpulled, "the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."

"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"

"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.

Divorce

2008-05-02T04:19:00.001-07:00

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together."

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Halloween Ball

2008-05-02T04:18:00.002-07:00

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered the usual proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

"But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Speaking Part

2008-05-02T04:18:00.001-07:00

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Don't Say It...

2008-05-02T04:17:00.000-07:00

Things Not to Say to Your New Girlfriend's Parents.....

* My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

* Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

* Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

* We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

* Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

* Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

* Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

* There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

* Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

A Dentist?

2008-05-02T04:14:00.000-07:00

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.

He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'

Flabbergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing how did you figure that out ?'

The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands' One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate.

After they were done, the girl said: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!' The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'

The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'.

Ain't Senile

2008-05-02T04:13:00.000-07:00

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Jack, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

Old Age

2008-05-02T04:12:00.000-07:00

Three old men were sitting around and talking.

The 80-year-old said,"The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m."

AIDS

2008-05-02T04:11:00.002-07:00

A recent study has revealed alarming statistics that suggest senior citizens are the now biggest carriers of AIDS...

Hearing AIDS
Seeing AIDS
Chewing AIDS
Band AIDS
RolAIDS
Walking AIDS
MedicAIDS
Government AIDS

Death

2008-05-02T04:11:00.001-07:00

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

Trust Me

2008-05-02T04:09:00.001-07:00

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'.

"So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

Prostate Problem

2008-05-02T04:08:00.000-07:00

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.

The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"

The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."

"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"

"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

Arrghh, Help

2008-05-02T04:07:00.000-07:00

These are all GENUINE replies from patients asked why they needed an ambulance to and from hospital...

* I am under the doctor and cannot breathe.

* I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.

* I can't breathe and haven't done so for many years.

* I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.

* I am blind in one eye and my leg.

* I live five miles from the hospital and the postman says I should have it.

* I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.

* I must have a man as I cannot go out or do up my suspenders.

* I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to the hospital is up.

* My husband is dead and will not bring me.

* I cannot drive a car as I have not got one.

* I hope you will send a man as my husband is quite useless.

* I can come at any time to suit you, but not mornings as I don't feel too good.

*I can't come on Mondays or Wednesdays as the home help comes, and not on Fridays as the baker calls for his money. I can't come on Tuesdays as my sister calls.

Rectal Thermometer

2008-05-02T04:06:00.000-07:00

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some a**hole's got my pen."

How Much Is A Billion?

2008-04-24T01:24:00.000-07:00

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money!!

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

And....

A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends.

Rats

2008-04-24T01:20:00.000-07:00

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing.

He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

Florida Oneliners

2008-04-24T01:00:00.001-07:00

Palm Beach Bumper Sticker: "Don't blame me, I TRIED to vote for Gore"

Q: How many Floridians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four! No, Two! No ... um ... wait. Can I let you know in six hours?

They are now calling Palm Beach County "Palm Beach of the Immaculate Conception County," because there it is possible to become pregnant without having penetration.

What's the difference between Florida and Winner?
Florida has an F but there will never be an F in winner....

I've already mailed all my Christmas cards this year. Just send them to the Seminole County election office, they'll address them and mail them for you.

Election Oneliners

2008-04-24T00:58:00.002-07:00

Ever since the US election, there's been a lot of loose talk about discovering the "will of the people." What all the pundits and politicians fail to realize is that the system worked perfectly and the people got EXACTLY what they wanted....
Another precious week of not having to call EITHER of those losers "President."

There's lies, damn lies, statistics, and then there's CNN election calling.

Notice that there really are differences between the parties:
At Bush/Cheney Headquarters, they broke out the champagne.
At Gore/Lieberman Headquarters, they broke out the whines.

November is when we close our eyes, bow our heads and give thanks for the turkeys we are about to receive. Then we vote.

When I was a boy I was told anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

A guide for the perplexed on legal maneuvering:
If it benefits my candidate, it's the rule of law.
If it benefits your candidate, it's a technicality.

Bush Oneliners

2008-04-24T00:58:00.001-07:00

G. W. Bush said that in Texas they guarded the border so closely they never had to worry about any guy named Manual Recount screwing up their election results.

George W. Bush is now under treatment for two problems, electile dysfunction and premature congratulation.

Gore Oneliners

2008-04-24T00:57:00.000-07:00

Proposed change to golf rules
Instead of yelling "Fore!" you yell "Gore!". Then you take whatever score you want.

AlGoreithm (n: al-gor-ith-m): Any method of calculation performed repeatedly until a prior desired result is produced.

God Overrules Supreme Court

2008-04-24T00:56:00.001-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT

Bush to be smitten later today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court's decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."

"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."

Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.

"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."

"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."

"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete;

Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."

Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

God Overrules Supreme Court

2008-04-24T00:56:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT

Bush to be smitten later today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court's decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."

"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete;

Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

George W Bush Discount

2008-04-24T00:55:00.002-07:00

Looking for savings this holiday season? When you're out shopping, take advantage of the George W. Bush discount. You will need unmitigated gall and several accomplices. Here's how it works.

Load up with all sorts of items that you want and take them to the checkout. When the clerk gets to an item that will not scan on the first attempt say, petulantly, "My brother says that all these items are mine."

The clerk will insist on rescanning the item. Look bored and incredulous that anybody could be so incompetent as the clerk tries unsuccessfully to scan the item. Turn to the people in line behind you and say, "Can you believe this is taking so long?"

At this point, the clerk will attempt to enter the bar code information by hand. Insist loudly that the item is yours and that since it didn't scan after two attempts, it must be free. Get so worked up that your face starts to break out.

The clerk will still attempt to enter the bar code. At this point, bring forward your first accomplice who will introduce herself as the Secretary of Bar Code Scanning and say to the clerk, "I'll give you two seconds to enter that bar code. Ready... Set... Times up!"

The clerk will probably call for the manager, and the two of them will insist on manually entering the bar code into the cash register. Have dozens of your accomplices run to the media talking about possible mistakes and mischief that could arise from manually entering the bar code. Raise questions such as, "How can I make sure the price is being entered fairly when the clerk works for the owner?" Say, "These items have been scanned and rescanned. They just want to keep entering bar codes until they get the total they want."

At this point, the owner might try to take you to court to get some more time to manually enter the bar code. He's really playing right into your hands.

While he's getting a time extension from the court, call the office of Congressman Tom DELAY and ask him to send down a couple of henchmen to lead a crowd of angry demonstrators into the store to shout and bang on the doors.

Simultaneously, file an appeal with the Supreme Court asking the highest court in the land to bring a halt to all manual entry of bar codes.

In the midst of this confusion, have your first accomplice declare that all the items are legally yours and that if the owner doesn't like it, he can take you to court. The owner will now have to drive to the state capital to file a lawsuit in which he will ask the judge to manually enter the bar code of the item that would not scan. Invite some celebrities over for a photo op and announce that you'll share the items with them once the items are found to be rightfully yours.

Meanwhile in court, the owner will ask the judge to transfer the item from the checkout line to the courtroom. Have your lawyer tell the judge that that is simply not enough, that the judge needs to move the entire inventory from the store lock, stock and barrel to his courtroom.

When the owner contemplates that this will tie up all his merchandise till well after the holidays, he will surely give up. But just to be safe, have the legislature pass a law giving the entire store to you.

Some people will tell you that you won't enjoy the goodies you've thus obtained because they are not really yours.

Morons!

Bush's Quiche

2008-04-24T00:55:00.001-07:00

Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress asks Gore what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says, "I would like Eggs Benedict."

The waitress says, "Fine, and what will you have Governor Bush?"
Perusing the menu, George says, "Well, I think I'd like to have a quickie."

Taken aback, the waitress responds, "Why Gov. Bush, that's awful, and you're not even President yet!"
Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear, "George, that's pronounced 'quiche.'"

Bush responds - "Hey, you order what you want and I'll order what I want."

Florida Slogans

2008-04-24T00:54:00.001-07:00

New Slogans for Florida:

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.

FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

And ...

PALM BEACH COUNTY: So nice, we let you vote twice.

PALM BEACH COUNTY: We put the "duh" in Florida.

Bad Precedent

2008-04-24T00:52:00.002-07:00

The Difference Between a Bad *President* and a Bad *Precedent*

>> BAD *PRECEDENT:

Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?"

Al: "Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I'd do it all again."

>> BAD *PRESIDENT:

Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear
- "I do solemonemoney swear..."

- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States

- "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States..."

- and will to the best of my ability

- "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly ..."

- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States
- "... preservect defenestrate the United ... the Constitual ... the ... um ... of America."

- So help me God.

- "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?"

Mets Go To Court

2008-04-24T00:52:00.001-07:00

NEW YORK (AP) --The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series.

The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union.

"We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets batting coach. "We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit."

One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches.

Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.

"The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit," said the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely."

Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game.

"While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series," the commissioner said.

Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games. "It's clear that we were slightly on-base more often than the Yankees," said a Mets spokesman. "The World Series crown is rightly ours."

The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes "we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment."

Al Gore's "Losing my Election"

2008-04-24T00:51:00.000-07:00

"Losing My Election," by Steve Barr
(to the tune of R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion")

US is bigger
It's bigger than you
And I am V.P.
The lengths that I will go to
The concession Tuesday night
Oh no I've said too much
I took it back

That's me in the paper
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my election
Trying to catch up to you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't won enough
I thought that I heard Dick Cheney
I thought that I heard you won
I think I thought I ought to sigh

Every voter
Of every FL county I'm
Choosing litigation
Trying to get ahead of you
Like a hurt lost and blinded pol
Oh no they've punched two holes
It burns me up

Consider this
The turn of the century
Consider this
The count that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all my vote tallies
Come tumbling down
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you won
I think I thought I ought to sigh

Bet this is Nader's dream
We needed all the Greens

Lottery Win

2008-04-24T00:50:00.000-07:00

Dear State Lottery Commission:

I know I chose the winning numbers for Wednesday's Lotto drawing.

But upon further review, it appears the incorrect numbers appeared on my ticket. How could this happen? The root cause of this dilemma is the form I filled out to get my ticket. The form is very confusing. I thought I was choosing one set of numbers, (the winning numbers), when in reality I chose a completely different set of numbers. The numbers and boxes on the form are so close together, it's impossible to determine which box to fill in for which number.

I checked with at least 3,000 other people, and they all had the exact same problem. I'm sure if you review the form I filled out, it will become very clear that I'm entitled to the money from Wednesday's drawing.

Please reply with the date, time, and location, for me to collect the winnings due to me.

Thank you for your assistance in this matter.

Al Gore

Independence Revocation

2008-04-24T00:49:00.002-07:00

London, 10th November 2000

To the citizens of the United States of America,

Following your failure to elect a President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary
2. Start referring to "soccer" as football
3. Your language will now be referred to as "American". Actual English will be taught as a second language until mastered by a percentage of the populace.
4. Driving on the left is now compulsory -recall all cars to effect the change immediately.
5. Sexual frequency will be reduced by 75% to bring it inline with the rest of the commonwealth.
6. All Starbucks must serve only tea.
7. Declare war on Quebec

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation and... cheerio!

Inappropriate TV

2008-04-24T00:49:00.001-07:00

The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.

However, they disagreed on the details...

The Republican candidate, George W Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Amercians with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore says there is too much bush.

Politicians

2008-04-24T00:48:00.002-07:00

I looked at the network television schedule for tonight (election night in the USA) and saw that I had four choices -- election coverage, election coverage, election
coverage, and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

Some choice -- all the shows are about blood-sucking parasites who are masters of deception and prey on the innocent.

New Version of "Survivor" Series to debut

2008-04-24T00:48:00.001-07:00

Network television is developing a "Texas Version" of "Survivor", the popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock...

....driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm for Gore, I'm Gay and I'm Here to Take Your Guns".

The first to complete the round trip is the winner !

Al Gore's Package

2008-04-24T00:47:00.000-07:00

Al Gore is on the cover of Rolling Stone next issue; rumor has it his "package" was airbrushed, purportedly to *reduce* the size of his he-man alpha-male package so as not to offend any of RS's readers.

Clearly, Al Gore is going for the schwing voters.

Debate Transcripts

2008-04-24T00:46:00.002-07:00

For those who don't have time to watch the (U.S.) presidential debate, I've prepared this transcript of what will be said:

Jim Lehrer:
Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.

The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer:
Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush:
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer:
Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush:
The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer:
Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore:
Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer:
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

Gore:
It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer:
Gov. Bush?

Bush:
That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer:
It's time for closing statements.

Gore:
I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush:
It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.

Lehrer:
Good night.

Republican Party

2008-04-24T00:46:00.001-07:00

Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land!"

Now Bush Jr. wants to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.

Bush Jr. wants to change the Republican Party Emblem from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.

Top 7 signs that Richard Cheney has a bad heart

2008-04-24T00:43:00.002-07:00

7) Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.

6) His cholesterol level is directly proportional to the National Debt.

5) He owns a signed copy of Ted Kennedy's "Joy of Grease."

4) He can only donate blood to people with Type Nacho Cheese.

3) After every press conference there's a man standing over his body saying, "Clear!"

2) Let's face it: He's a politician.

And the number one sign that Richard Cheney has a bad heart:

1) During the Persian Gulf War he arrived in Kuwait with a spoon and bib, eagerly awaiting "Operation Dessert Storm."

TOP 10 GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS

2008-04-24T00:43:00.001-07:00

1) I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

2) I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

3) I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.

4) Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

5) Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

6) I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.

7) New penal plan: I won't use mine!

8) Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

9) George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers

10) Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

Republican Lightbulb

2008-04-24T00:42:00.000-07:00

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy one:

12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb;

23 to deregulate the light bulb industry;

16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;

34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs;

9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs;

53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb;

41 to chat with defence contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead;

And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.

Bush-Quayle Ticket

2008-04-24T00:41:00.002-07:00

Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the 'short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.

For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).

Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the 'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to."

Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage."

For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell 'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was "clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to use one before.

Electioneering

2008-04-24T00:41:00.001-07:00

Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled
simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New
England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates
worked their way through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies
and beaming mightily.

Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the
candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with
half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to
move through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.

"That man's persistence yonder," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."

"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself voting for an asshole who hasn't the brains to come in out of the rain."

Pentagon

2008-04-24T00:39:00.000-07:00

Pentagon Buzz-Phrases

Essentially complete...
It's half done.

We predict ...
We hope to God!

Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk:
100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.

Potential show stopper...
The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems...
It'll take a miracle.

Basic agreement has been reached...
The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.

Results are being quantified...
We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review...
Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project.

Not well defined at this time...
Nobody's even thought about it.

Still analyzing the requirements...
See previous answer.

Not well understood...
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.

Requires further analysis and management attention...
Totally out of control!

Results are promising...
Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time.

Red China

2008-04-24T00:38:00.000-07:00

Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China?
A: You never leave home.

Better Programmer

2008-04-24T00:35:00.000-07:00

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled, "Jesus saves"

Minister, Priest, and Rabbi

2008-04-24T00:34:00.002-07:00

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Think I'll Pass

2008-04-24T00:34:00.001-07:00

The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

It'll ALL Come Back...

2008-04-24T00:33:00.000-07:00

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower.

The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of Ј25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

New Priest

2008-04-24T00:32:00.000-07:00

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

9. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

10. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

Truckers at the Pearly Gates

2008-04-24T00:30:00.000-07:00

Three truck drivers die and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St.Peter asks the first truck driver, "Did you ever break the law?"

The truck driver responds, "Sure."

St. Peter then asks him, "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"

The driver responds, "All the time."

Then St. Peter asks him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The truck driver heartily responded, "Every chance I got."

St. Peter then told the first truck driver to select door number 3 of the three available doors.

Then St. Peter asks the second truck driver, "Did you ever break the law?"

The truck driver responds, "Sometimes."

"Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"

"Every now and then."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

"A couple of times."

St. Peter told truck driver number 2 to also enter door number 3.

St. Peter now asks truck driver number 3 the same questions. "Did you ever break the law?"

The truck driver says, "No."

He then asks, "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"

Again the driver responds, "No".

St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The truck driver thought a couple of seconds and said, "Well, once. You see, I was in this bar in Nebraska. I noticed they only had one woman in it for all of the men. I asked the bartender why this was and he said, 'Well, she's all we need. She can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.' so that's when I cheated on my wife."

St. Peter then told the truck driver to enter door number 1.

The truck driver, in amazement, asks, "What?? You sent the others to door number 3??"

St. Peter calmly replies, "Yes, they're going to hell. But we're off to Nebraska!"

Find Jesus

2008-04-24T00:25:00.000-07:00

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Walk on Water

2008-04-24T00:21:00.000-07:00

At an interfaith retreat some time ago, the organizers decided to allow for a free afternoon of just socializing. A priest, minister, and a rabbi went fishing together.

After awhile, the priest said, "Brother, Rabbi, would you please both excuse me, I've got to pee." He laid down his fishing pole, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked across the water to the shore. He finished his business, then walked back across the water to the boat.

The minister said, "Father, I didn't want to be the first to have to go," stood up, stepped over the side of the boat,and walked right on top of the water to the shore. He also finished his business, zipped up, and walked back on the water right back to the boat.

The rabbi was awestruck. Imagine -- WALKING on water! He thought to himself, "well, if they can do this, so can I!" He excused himself to the priest and minister, put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and sunk like a rock.

The priest turned to the minister and said, "You think we should have told him where the rocks were?"

Tough Guy

2008-04-24T00:14:00.000-07:00

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"

"About three minutes ago."

Actual Church Signs

2008-04-24T00:13:00.002-07:00

"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

3 Doors of Hell

2008-04-24T00:13:00.001-07:00

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.

Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.

Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"

Pray People, Pray...

2008-04-24T00:12:00.002-07:00

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxidriver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Drunk Confession

2008-04-24T00:12:00.001-07:00

A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Feed the Cattle

2008-04-24T00:11:00.001-07:00

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

My Father...

2008-04-24T00:10:00.000-07:00

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Baptism Service

2008-04-22T05:08:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Signs Your Baptism service is not going as it should....

10. The Coast Guard has to become involved in some unexpected way.

9. The service is held at "Splash Mountain Water Park."

8.The Pastor has to wear a frogman outfit complete with air tanks into the water.

7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from JAWS.

6. The preacher uses plastic animated `Billy the Bass' singing "take me down to the river" instead of the traditional shall we gather at the river.

5. You hear the pastor say, "Oops! Honestly, sister, I didn't know about that drop-off."

4. The pastor can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for "Help!"

3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear and packing a cooler.

2. Just as the choir starts to sing, the Crocodile Hunter jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.

And the Number 1 Sign Your Baptism service is not going as it should....

1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer

Cross Nuns

2008-04-22T05:07:00.002-07:00

Two British nuns, Sister Carol and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in a car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!!" shouts Sister Carol. "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on; that will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Carol switches them on, which knocks the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Carol.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

Sister Carol opens the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY F***ING CAR!!"

Pope's Choice

2008-04-22T05:07:00.001-07:00

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.

Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause... The pope replied,

"First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. "And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" The pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."

You Get One?

2008-04-22T05:05:00.002-07:00

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.He called a female angel and sent her down to Earth.
When she returned she told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. She reported that 95% is bad and 5%is good. God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a male angel to get both points of view.

When the male angel returned he confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going. Do you know what the e-mail said?....
...
...
...
...

Oh! you didn't get one either ??

Everyone Knows!

2008-04-22T05:05:00.001-07:00

A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

Chinese Food

2008-04-22T05:03:00.001-07:00

Quasi' went home and his mom had got the wok out.

Quasi moans, "Oh no Mum, you know I don't like chinese food"

"What are you on about you damn fool," replies his mother, "I'm ironing your shirts"!!!

School Daze

2008-04-22T05:02:00.001-07:00

Quasimodo goes to the doc and asks "Can you get rid of my hump?"
So the doc asks him to take all his clothes off. Quasi starts taking off his clothes, and he has loads of jumpers and jackets to take off.

As he is taking them off the doc says, "Quasimodo, when was the last time you took any of your clothes off before you put new ones on?"

Quasi replies, "Not since I was at school."

So the doc says, "Didn't you ever wonder where your damn satchel had got to?"

Bell Ringer

2008-04-22T04:59:00.000-07:00

The Church is still looking for a Bell-Ringer after the tragic death of the armless bell-ringer....

After interviewing several more people the bishop was about to give up when another armless man banged on the door with his head , the newspaper ad firmly clenched between his teeth. The bishop removed the slip of paper and the man was able to tell him that his armless twin brother had applied the day before and met with an accident. Afraid of what could happen the bishop began to object but to no avail.

"Give me one chance please....."

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

The last 10 things...

2008-04-22T04:53:00.001-07:00

*** The last 10 things any woman would ever say

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.

9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy

7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute.

5. This diamond is way to big.

4. I don't even wanna put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!

2. Does this make my butt look too small?

1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

*** The last 10 things any man would ever say:

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherf**ker

9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Her tits are just too big.

6. Sometimes I just want to be held.

5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.

4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.

3. We haven`t been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I'll hold your purse.

2. F**k Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.

1. I think we're lost, we'd better pull over and ask directions.

Women NEED to Know

2008-04-22T04:51:00.000-07:00

What Women NEED to know about men:

Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.

Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?)
One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumours about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

HOW "BIG" SHOULD A MAN BE?

Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen, so anything bigger is a bonus!

HOW "LONG" SHOULD A MAN LAST?

Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."

HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?

The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is ANYWHERE inside you, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?

There is no such thing.

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?

Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of male "after-play" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying post-coital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?

Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?

One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?

When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

Three Wishes

2008-04-22T04:49:00.000-07:00

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

By My Side

2008-04-22T04:48:00.002-07:00

A man was walking across the road with his wife when he was involved in an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness.

When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully "You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again.You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..."
She squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply..."
He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."

"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. I never seem to be promoted and my hard work isn't recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now...And you were still beside me..."
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband
"And now I've had an accident and when I woke up, you are here besid me...".

There's something I'd really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion.
He said, "I think you bring me bad luck ... now f**k off"

Feminist Princess

2008-04-22T04:48:00.001-07:00

A fairy tale for the woman of the 90's.......

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought................

I don't f**king think so.

Honey-woney

2008-04-22T04:47:00.001-07:00

A man comes home after a hard day's work, and is looking forward to relaxing. He pours himself a glass of wine, eats a delicious home-cooked meal prepared by his wife, and goes up to his bedroom, where he and his wife have separate beds. His wife follows him up a few minutes later.

"Honey-woney," the man says, "I just want to thank you for fixing me such a delicious meal. I am blessed to have such a wife as you." He then turns out the light and tries to sleep. After several minutes he finds he can't nod off.

"Sweety pie," he calls out, "I'm lonely." His wife gets out of bed and makes her way accross the room, but she slips and bangs her nose. "Did my little bunny fall and hurt her nosey-wosey?" the man asks, as his wife climbs in bed with him.

There follows a 3 hour session of sex. When the couple have finished, the wife heads back over to her own bed, and as she goes she slips up a second time.

"Clumsy Bitch," the man mutters.

Further Women's Courses

2008-04-22T04:45:00.003-07:00

To strike a blow for Men everywhere, here are seminars for Women (seminars will be given by men only)

1) "Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"

2) Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")

3) Crying and law enforcement

4) You CAN go shopping for less then 4 hours

5) Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast

6) Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water

7) The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament

8) Gift giving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)

9) Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Gravity is on Your Side

10) Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

11) What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

12) "To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"

Further Men's Courses

2008-04-22T04:45:00.001-07:00

A two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man.

That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man.

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like an Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down - Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially When Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001A)

Toughest Questions

2008-04-22T04:43:00.002-07:00

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers...

The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is In order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Moo!
f. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

Had it All

2008-04-22T04:43:00.001-07:00

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

Partying Husbands Usually Pay...

2008-04-22T04:41:00.000-07:00

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.