Thursday, April 24, 2008

How Much Is A Billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money!!

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

And....

A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends.

Rats

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing.

He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

Florida Oneliners

Palm Beach Bumper Sticker: "Don't blame me, I TRIED to vote for Gore"

Q: How many Floridians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four! No, Two! No ... um ... wait. Can I let you know in six hours?

They are now calling Palm Beach County "Palm Beach of the Immaculate Conception County," because there it is possible to become pregnant without having penetration.

What's the difference between Florida and Winner?
Florida has an F but there will never be an F in winner....

I've already mailed all my Christmas cards this year. Just send them to the Seminole County election office, they'll address them and mail them for you.

Election Oneliners

Ever since the US election, there's been a lot of loose talk about discovering the "will of the people." What all the pundits and politicians fail to realize is that the system worked perfectly and the people got EXACTLY what they wanted....
Another precious week of not having to call EITHER of those losers "President."

There's lies, damn lies, statistics, and then there's CNN election calling.

Notice that there really are differences between the parties:
At Bush/Cheney Headquarters, they broke out the champagne.
At Gore/Lieberman Headquarters, they broke out the whines.

November is when we close our eyes, bow our heads and give thanks for the turkeys we are about to receive. Then we vote.

When I was a boy I was told anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

A guide for the perplexed on legal maneuvering:
If it benefits my candidate, it's the rule of law.
If it benefits your candidate, it's a technicality.