Wrong Kid

You Know You Hired the wrong kid to mow your lawn when:

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulche

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes

Job Last Day

You know it was your last day at your job when...

1. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.

2. As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

3. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

4. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

5. You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

Colorado

You might be from Colorado if:

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.

2. You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a Mcdonald's in Vail.

3. You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that
wears a bandanna.

4. Your real Y2K fear is running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.

5. The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

6. You think that formal wear is ironed denim.

7. North means "mountains to the left"; south is "mountains to the right"; and east and west are where all those liberals keep moving in from.

8. You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and Birkenstocks.

9. You have stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.

San Francisco

You know you're in San Francisco when...

1. Your co-worker tells you she/he has 8 body piercings but none are visible.

2.You make over $100,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

3. You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.

4. You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

5. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

6. You know that anyone wearing shorts in July must be visiting from Ohio.

7. You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.

8. Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers"....and it's not the first time you have seen him/her nude.

9. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze," and, after telling that to a friend, your friend still needs to ask if the teacher is male or female.

10. You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.

11. You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.

12. A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

13. A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.

14. You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest.

15. You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

16. You keep a list of companies to boycott.