Women Shorts :-)

* If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
Would you go to lunch or to a movie?

* How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? None, let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Never mind that why was she out of the house?

* A woman walks into a cocktail bar, approaches the barman and says : " Can I have a double-entendre please?"
So he gives her one.........

Q. Why did God create woman?
A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is riding her.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it!

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

Q. Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q: How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"?
A: "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Women's Training Courses

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

New Elements

Elements: Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
==================

Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties:
Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold,silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
================

Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties:
Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known.
Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

* Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell