Autopsy

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the United States District Court for the Northern District of Texas has a monthly article in the Texas Bar Journal. He prints reader submissions of humorous exchanges between lawyers and witness taken from deposition and trial transcripts. Here is an actual exchange.

Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?

Doctor: That's correct.

Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?

Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.

Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital?

Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving.

Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?

Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.

Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records indicate.

Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?

Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death.

Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?

Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.