New Lawyer

You Know You need a new lawyer when...

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7. A prison guard is shaving your head.

8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

Are ALL Cops Overweight?

You Know You're an Overweight Cop When:

1. You spend the majority of your time trying to apprehend Big Macs.

2. You have two holsters: One for your gun, one for hotdog.

3. The last time you saw your feet, "Kojak" was on in prime time.

4. Instead of yelling "Freeze!," you yell "Fritos!"

5. Even patrol car's big block engine can't propel you more than 30 mph.

6. You sometimes work undercover as a sofa.

7. You take the phrase "Take a bite out of crime" too literally.

8. Several times a year, rescue workers have to use jaws of life to get you out of your squad car.

9. Your butt is known as the fourth precinct.

10. You're frequently used as a roadblock.

Autopsy

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the United States District Court for the Northern District of Texas has a monthly article in the Texas Bar Journal. He prints reader submissions of humorous exchanges between lawyers and witness taken from deposition and trial transcripts. Here is an actual exchange.

Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?

Doctor: That's correct.

Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?

Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.

Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital?

Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving.

Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?

Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.

Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records indicate.

Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?

Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death.

Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?

Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.

Malpractice Assurance

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him: "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Howard. You're a veterinarian."