A Dentist?

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.

He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'

Flabbergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing how did you figure that out ?'

The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands' One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate.

After they were done, the girl said: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!' The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'

The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'.

Ain't Senile

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Jack, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

Old Age

Three old men were sitting around and talking.

The 80-year-old said,"The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m."

AIDS

A recent study has revealed alarming statistics that suggest senior citizens are the now biggest carriers of AIDS...

Hearing AIDS
Seeing AIDS
Chewing AIDS
Band AIDS
RolAIDS
Walking AIDS
MedicAIDS
Government AIDS

Death

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

Trust Me

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'.

"So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

Prostate Problem

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.

The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"

The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."

"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"

"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

Arrghh, Help

These are all GENUINE replies from patients asked why they needed an ambulance to and from hospital...

* I am under the doctor and cannot breathe.

* I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.

* I can't breathe and haven't done so for many years.

* I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.

* I am blind in one eye and my leg.

* I live five miles from the hospital and the postman says I should have it.

* I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.

* I must have a man as I cannot go out or do up my suspenders.

* I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to the hospital is up.

* My husband is dead and will not bring me.

* I cannot drive a car as I have not got one.

* I hope you will send a man as my husband is quite useless.

* I can come at any time to suit you, but not mornings as I don't feel too good.

*I can't come on Mondays or Wednesdays as the home help comes, and not on Fridays as the baker calls for his money. I can't come on Tuesdays as my sister calls.

Rectal Thermometer

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some a**hole's got my pen."

School Daze

Quasimodo goes to the doc and asks "Can you get rid of my hump?"
So the doc asks him to take all his clothes off. Quasi starts taking off his clothes, and he has loads of jumpers and jackets to take off.

As he is taking them off the doc says, "Quasimodo, when was the last time you took any of your clothes off before you put new ones on?"

Quasi replies, "Not since I was at school."

So the doc says, "Didn't you ever wonder where your damn satchel had got to?"

Catch Me!

An obviously overweight young man decided to sign up for a weight loss program complete with a personal trainer. It included a run each morning at 6:00 a.m.

So when the door bell rings the next morning, he's dressed and ready to go. When he opens the door he sees the most beautiful blonde he has ever seen. She's tall, very well endowed above a very slim waist with long graceful legs. She's dressed in a small pair of running shorts and a running halter that can barely contain her.

She smiles and says, "If you can catch me, you can have me." and starts off at a very fast run.

This continues each morning. After about three very frustrating weeks the young man begins to get in shape and can almost keep up with her. One morning he's barely able to touch her running shorts but can't hang on. But he thinks tomorrow will be the big day. I'll catch her and have her. He barely sleeps that night waiting in eager anticipation.

The next morning, the bell rings precisely at 6:00 am. He runs to the door and throws it open. There stands a huge burley woman, at least six feet five inches in height and over 250 pounds. She's muscled up like a plow ox and has a large wart amid her facial hair.

She smiles and says, "I'm your new trainer. If I can catch you, I can have you!"

Viagra Testing

Bob Dole participated in the testing of Viagra, and has apparently agreed to do some promotionals for the drug.
Possible content: "I didn't win the Presidency, but with Viagra I can act like I did!"

Something About Viagra

* A crate load of Viagra was stolen from a distribution depot - Police were looking for hardened criminals.

* It has been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff sentencing
...Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

* There's a new beverage on the market today. It is called Viagraccino - one cup and you are up all night

* A man and his wife went to the chemists to pick up his prescription. Seeing the Ј10 per pill price, the man was astonished - but his wife had a different opinion - Oh, Ј40 a year ain't too bad.

* A report out today states that gardeners will not need to stake tomato plants any longer. Just one Viagra tablet in their water, and they stand up straight and firm.

* What's the difference between Niagara and Viagra? - Niagara Falls

Departure

An 83-year-old woman decided that she had seen and done everything, and the time had come for her to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

Nuts

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

Sauerkraut

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.

"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.

"Well," he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a postcard and write 'sauerkraut' on the back." Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today," she said. "I don't understand what it means!"

"Just wait until I get home and I'll read it," he replied.

Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard that said, "Sauerkraut, sauerkraut, sauerkraut-two with wieners, one without!"

Helens

A pregnant woman walks into a doctor's office to have an ultrasound. The doctor tells her that she is going to have a little girl. He then asks her what she will name her daughter. She says, "Helen."

He asks her, "Do you have any other children?" And she replies, "Five other daughters, and their names are also Helen."

At that point the doctor asks, "How do you call them all home for dinner?"

She replies, "That's easy I just yell, 'Helen, supper!' and they all come home."

He then asks, "What if you're going somewhere?"

"Thats easy too, I just say, 'Helen lets go!' and they all come running."

He questions her again, "What if you only want to speak with one of them?"

"Well then I just call them by their last name."

Autopsy

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the United States District Court for the Northern District of Texas has a monthly article in the Texas Bar Journal. He prints reader submissions of humorous exchanges between lawyers and witness taken from deposition and trial transcripts. Here is an actual exchange.

Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?

Doctor: That's correct.

Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?

Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.

Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital?

Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving.

Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?

Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.

Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records indicate.

Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?

Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death.

Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?

Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.

What's for Dinner?

A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.

He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.

He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Country Doctor

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern so that he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," said the 5-year-old. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"