In True Lassie Fashion

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down."You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes!" the monkey motioned.

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes." the monkey confirmed.

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

The Speeding Offensive

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the officer replied.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

Sweet Revenge

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok", and off they went.

An Eventful Journey

An Englishwoman and her young son were travelling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.

"Mummy" the boy asked, "what are those ladies doing?"

The mother, clearly embarassed by the question, replied: "I expect they're lost and are asking people for directions."

The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: "why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes."

The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldn't let it go:
"What are prostitutes Mummy, are they like other women, do they have children too?"

"Of course" the mother replied, "that's where New York taxi drivers come from."

Three Quick Driving Offences

The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted "Pull over!"
"No" she replied, "they're socks!"

* * *
The Policeman pulled over a car and strolled up to the drivers window: "Excuse me sir, but do you know that you're driving without a rear light?"
The driver jumped out and ran to the rear of his car and let out a whimpering groan. The driver seemed so genuinely distressed that the policeman took a sympathetic view: "Don't take it so hard, it's not all that serious an offence..."
"Isn't it" the driver cried, "Where's my caravan gone?"

* * *
The policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him : "Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only fifty feet away?"
"Well" replied the jay walker, "I hope it's having better luck than me."

The Porsche And The Porcupine

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Yugo Envy

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.

When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?"

You Know You've Booked A Cheap Flight When...

As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.

The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.

The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.

The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear.

A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.

A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.

The air sickness bags have the Lord's Prayer printed on them.
Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.

A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.

A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.

Ten Way to Make Driving Less Boring

Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

Keep at least five cats in the car.

Stop and collect roadkill.

Stop at the green lights.

Go at red ones.

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Wear a Chicken suit.

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

Three Men On A Plane

Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The Third throws out a hand grenade.

After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!"

They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing.

They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!"

Motorway Breakdown

A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.

When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

Parking In The Wild West

A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I,m gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City."

With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him.

"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?"

The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"

Little Boys And Big Cars

The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for the weekend with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home.

That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad's car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16 year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared. After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening.

When they got back to the car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car - someone must have bumped into the car and drove off. Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panelbeater/spraypainter to fix their dad's car.

Finally they found one who said they must have the car at his house early next morning. The car was fixed properly and they parked it back in the garage that afternoon.

Their parents returned the next day but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge, "A miracle has happened! A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is fixed without a scratch!"

Road Rage

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car.

One particular Sunday however, he was so full of cold that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out.

They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father."Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mummy?"

"Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what... we didn't see a single bastard!"

The New York Taxi Driver

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?"

The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years."

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"

He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."

"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?"

"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

Flying TWA

A mother and her son were flying TWA from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had.
So she said, "Tell your mother that TWA always pulls out on time."

Parking The Rolls

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.

"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Our Favorite Driving Habits

Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway with either indicator flashing, but going nowhere.

Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway even when the road is almost entirely empty.

Picking your nose and believing that no-one can see you.

Not realising that there is any other setting for your lights than high beam.

Indicating to move into a lane that you're already half way in.

Falling asleep at the wheel, just in time for the lights to turn green.

Sounding your horn one nanosecond after the lights change to green if the car in front hasn't sped off.

Sending sprays of wiper wash right over the top of your car and washing the one behind.

Overtaking then pulling in front and slowing down.

Sharing whatever is on your car stereo with anyone within a mile radius.

Flight Crews Real Stories

A flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Another flight Attendant after a particularly bumpy flight:"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"We are please to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

In The Packed Subway Car

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to call the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she said. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

Airline Pilot

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."

The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.

A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."

The Multicolored Cab

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

Voice Activated Car Radio

A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.

A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!"

...The radio cut over to George Bush's press conference.

The Imported Sports Car

The work of a certain timid but thorough law clerk was valued for its precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice imported sports car.

Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean son-of-a-bitch hauled him out of the driver's seat.

Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted the shit beat out of him. The delinquent proceeded to demolish the car, starting with the headlights and windows, when he heard the law clerk giggling.He moved on to the body and engine, but in between crashes he couldn't help hearing gales of laughter.

Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and demanded, "What you laughing about? Your fancy car's never gonna run again."

"So?" the clerk gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. "Ever since you started tearing up my car, I've been stepping in and out of this circle, in and out, in and out..."

Riding His Bike

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.

One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?

"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."

The man says, "Ok!"

They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright.

Sure enough, the light changes and THEY'RE OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.

Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."
"What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops.

The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"

A Strange Coincidence

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.