Buy it Honey!

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present, "Okay... who's phone is this?"

Feet Fetish

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

Crime of Passion

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

Marriage Shorties

* My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

* My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

* A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

* What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.

* The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

* When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

* Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

* Any married man should forget his mistakes - there is no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Valentines Cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Four Letter Words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Gorilla

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and
pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

My Husband's Home!

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

Second Mortgage

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

Fertile Celebration

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

How Many Kids?

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

Hanging About...

Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks' home one evening, Henry in his pyjamas and dressing gown.

Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy's sticking out!"

Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear. My willy is HANGING out!"

Bad Tooth

A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.

"I want a toothpulled, "the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."

"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"

"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.

Divorce

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together."

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Halloween Ball

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered the usual proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

"But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Speaking Part

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Don't Say It...

Things Not to Say to Your New Girlfriend's Parents.....

* My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

* Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

* Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

* We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

* Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

* Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

* Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

* There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

* Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

A Dentist?

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.

He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'

Flabbergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing how did you figure that out ?'

The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands' One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate.

After they were done, the girl said: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!' The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'

The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'.

Ain't Senile

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Jack, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

Old Age

Three old men were sitting around and talking.

The 80-year-old said,"The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m."

AIDS

A recent study has revealed alarming statistics that suggest senior citizens are the now biggest carriers of AIDS...

Hearing AIDS
Seeing AIDS
Chewing AIDS
Band AIDS
RolAIDS
Walking AIDS
MedicAIDS
Government AIDS

Death

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

Trust Me

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'.

"So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

Prostate Problem

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.

The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"

The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."

"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"

"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

Arrghh, Help

These are all GENUINE replies from patients asked why they needed an ambulance to and from hospital...

* I am under the doctor and cannot breathe.

* I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.

* I can't breathe and haven't done so for many years.

* I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.

* I am blind in one eye and my leg.

* I live five miles from the hospital and the postman says I should have it.

* I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.

* I must have a man as I cannot go out or do up my suspenders.

* I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to the hospital is up.

* My husband is dead and will not bring me.

* I cannot drive a car as I have not got one.

* I hope you will send a man as my husband is quite useless.

* I can come at any time to suit you, but not mornings as I don't feel too good.

*I can't come on Mondays or Wednesdays as the home help comes, and not on Fridays as the baker calls for his money. I can't come on Tuesdays as my sister calls.

Rectal Thermometer

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some a**hole's got my pen."