Men Shorts :-)

* How do you scare men? - Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice

* What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? - The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

* Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for men? - No phone numbers.

* Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than a woman? - Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

* How many men does it take to pop popcorn? - Three - one to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

* How many men to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to collect the medal.

* How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? - We don't know - it's never happened.

Q. What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
A. A widower.

* What do you call a handcuffed man? - Trustworthy.

* What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? - You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

* How are husbands like lawn mowers? - They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

* How does a man show he's planning for the future? - He buys two cases beer instead of one.

* What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? - Big Foot's been spotted several times.

* What's the smartest thing a man can say? - "My wife says..."

* What is the quickest way to a man's Heart ??? - Through his chest with a sharp knife.......

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

* My secret fantasy is to have two men at the same time....
One cooking and one cleaning.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A: We cook -- they eat; we clean -- they dirty; we iron -- they wrinkle.

Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A: Any place without a drive-up window.

* How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? - Both of them.

* Why don't women blink during foreplay? - They don't have time.

* How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? - We don't know; it has never happened.

* Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? - They all already have boyfriends.

* What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? - A widow.

* When do you care for a man's company? - When he owns it.

* How are men and parking spots alike? - Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short.

* What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? - The man.

* What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? - His wife is good at picking out clothes.

* What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? - Slow.

* What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? - Castrated.

Women's Training Courses

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Men's Training Courses

Following on from the extremely popular Training Courses for Women, comes this new program from the same people....

Training Courses Now Available for Men:
=============================

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away

7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back

8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts

16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

Pickup Lines

Some pick up lines for daily use.
* Are you as good as your mother?
* Would you like to see my circumcision scar?
* I have a two minute recovery time.
* Didn't I do your sister?
* Are you as good as your mother?
* Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see my-self in your pants.
* F**k me if I am wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
* Yo. You'll do.
* Do you have a boyfriend? Well when you want a MAN-friend, come and talk to me!
* Is there a Rainbow, because you're the treasure I've been searching for.
* What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
* My place.....Eight o'clock......bring a friend.
* Why don't we go back to my place and do the things I'm going to tell people we did anyway?
* [Look at her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":]
Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
* I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
* Do you want to see something swell?
* If I followed you home, would you keep me?
* Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
* Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a
weak heart.
* So....How am I doin'?
* A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
You: "Do you have the energy?"
* What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.
* Beauty is only a light switch away...
* Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

New Elements

Elements: Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
==================

Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties:
Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold,silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
================

Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties:
Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known.
Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

* Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell

Wife 1.0

TO TECHNICAL SUPPORT:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs & launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this Wife 1.0.

Can you help me, please!!! Otherwise, I'm screwed.

Thanks, Joe.

REPLY:

DEAR JOE SCREWED

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade form Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in you manual under "Warnings-Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command: C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance to Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
Tech Support.

Secret to a Great Marriage

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Great to be a Guy

Why its great to be a guy...
* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
* Your last name stays put.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You can be president.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* Same work... more pay.
* Wrinkles add character
* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* Movie nudity is virtually always female.
* All your orgasms are real.
* You don't have to shave below your neck.
* One mood, all the time.
* Someday you'll be a dirty old man.