How Much Is A Billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money!!

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

And....

A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends.

Rats

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing.

He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

Florida Oneliners

Palm Beach Bumper Sticker: "Don't blame me, I TRIED to vote for Gore"

Q: How many Floridians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four! No, Two! No ... um ... wait. Can I let you know in six hours?

They are now calling Palm Beach County "Palm Beach of the Immaculate Conception County," because there it is possible to become pregnant without having penetration.

What's the difference between Florida and Winner?
Florida has an F but there will never be an F in winner....

I've already mailed all my Christmas cards this year. Just send them to the Seminole County election office, they'll address them and mail them for you.

Election Oneliners

Ever since the US election, there's been a lot of loose talk about discovering the "will of the people." What all the pundits and politicians fail to realize is that the system worked perfectly and the people got EXACTLY what they wanted....
Another precious week of not having to call EITHER of those losers "President."

There's lies, damn lies, statistics, and then there's CNN election calling.

Notice that there really are differences between the parties:
At Bush/Cheney Headquarters, they broke out the champagne.
At Gore/Lieberman Headquarters, they broke out the whines.

November is when we close our eyes, bow our heads and give thanks for the turkeys we are about to receive. Then we vote.

When I was a boy I was told anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

A guide for the perplexed on legal maneuvering:
If it benefits my candidate, it's the rule of law.
If it benefits your candidate, it's a technicality.

Bush Oneliners

G. W. Bush said that in Texas they guarded the border so closely they never had to worry about any guy named Manual Recount screwing up their election results.

George W. Bush is now under treatment for two problems, electile dysfunction and premature congratulation.

Gore Oneliners

Proposed change to golf rules
Instead of yelling "Fore!" you yell "Gore!". Then you take whatever score you want.

AlGoreithm (n: al-gor-ith-m): Any method of calculation performed repeatedly until a prior desired result is produced.

God Overrules Supreme Court

BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT

Bush to be smitten later today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court's decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."

"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."

Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.

"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."

"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."

"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete;

Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."

Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

God Overrules Supreme Court

BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT

Bush to be smitten later today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court's decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."

"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."

Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.

"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."

"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."

"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete;

Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."

Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

George W Bush Discount

Looking for savings this holiday season? When you're out shopping, take advantage of the George W. Bush discount. You will need unmitigated gall and several accomplices. Here's how it works.

Load up with all sorts of items that you want and take them to the checkout. When the clerk gets to an item that will not scan on the first attempt say, petulantly, "My brother says that all these items are mine."

The clerk will insist on rescanning the item. Look bored and incredulous that anybody could be so incompetent as the clerk tries unsuccessfully to scan the item. Turn to the people in line behind you and say, "Can you believe this is taking so long?"

At this point, the clerk will attempt to enter the bar code information by hand. Insist loudly that the item is yours and that since it didn't scan after two attempts, it must be free. Get so worked up that your face starts to break out.

The clerk will still attempt to enter the bar code. At this point, bring forward your first accomplice who will introduce herself as the Secretary of Bar Code Scanning and say to the clerk, "I'll give you two seconds to enter that bar code. Ready... Set... Times up!"

The clerk will probably call for the manager, and the two of them will insist on manually entering the bar code into the cash register. Have dozens of your accomplices run to the media talking about possible mistakes and mischief that could arise from manually entering the bar code. Raise questions such as, "How can I make sure the price is being entered fairly when the clerk works for the owner?" Say, "These items have been scanned and rescanned. They just want to keep entering bar codes until they get the total they want."

At this point, the owner might try to take you to court to get some more time to manually enter the bar code. He's really playing right into your hands.

While he's getting a time extension from the court, call the office of Congressman Tom DELAY and ask him to send down a couple of henchmen to lead a crowd of angry demonstrators into the store to shout and bang on the doors.

Simultaneously, file an appeal with the Supreme Court asking the highest court in the land to bring a halt to all manual entry of bar codes.

In the midst of this confusion, have your first accomplice declare that all the items are legally yours and that if the owner doesn't like it, he can take you to court. The owner will now have to drive to the state capital to file a lawsuit in which he will ask the judge to manually enter the bar code of the item that would not scan. Invite some celebrities over for a photo op and announce that you'll share the items with them once the items are found to be rightfully yours.

Meanwhile in court, the owner will ask the judge to transfer the item from the checkout line to the courtroom. Have your lawyer tell the judge that that is simply not enough, that the judge needs to move the entire inventory from the store lock, stock and barrel to his courtroom.

When the owner contemplates that this will tie up all his merchandise till well after the holidays, he will surely give up. But just to be safe, have the legislature pass a law giving the entire store to you.

Some people will tell you that you won't enjoy the goodies you've thus obtained because they are not really yours.

Morons!

Bush's Quiche

Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress asks Gore what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says, "I would like Eggs Benedict."

The waitress says, "Fine, and what will you have Governor Bush?"
Perusing the menu, George says, "Well, I think I'd like to have a quickie."

Taken aback, the waitress responds, "Why Gov. Bush, that's awful, and you're not even President yet!"
Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear, "George, that's pronounced 'quiche.'"

Bush responds - "Hey, you order what you want and I'll order what I want."

Florida Slogans

New Slogans for Florida:

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.

FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

And ...

PALM BEACH COUNTY: So nice, we let you vote twice.

PALM BEACH COUNTY: We put the "duh" in Florida.

Bad Precedent

The Difference Between a Bad *President* and a Bad *Precedent*

>> BAD *PRECEDENT:

Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?"

Al: "Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I'd do it all again."

>> BAD *PRESIDENT:

Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear
- "I do solemonemoney swear..."

- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States

- "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States..."

- and will to the best of my ability

- "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly ..."

- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States
- "... preservect defenestrate the United ... the Constitual ... the ... um ... of America."

- So help me God.

- "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?"

Mets Go To Court

NEW YORK (AP) --The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series.

The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union.

"We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets batting coach. "We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit."

One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches.

Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.

"The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit," said the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely."

Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game.

"While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series," the commissioner said.

Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games. "It's clear that we were slightly on-base more often than the Yankees," said a Mets spokesman. "The World Series crown is rightly ours."

The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes "we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment."

Al Gore's "Losing my Election"

"Losing My Election," by Steve Barr
(to the tune of R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion")

US is bigger
It's bigger than you
And I am V.P.
The lengths that I will go to
The concession Tuesday night
Oh no I've said too much
I took it back

That's me in the paper
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my election
Trying to catch up to you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't won enough
I thought that I heard Dick Cheney
I thought that I heard you won
I think I thought I ought to sigh

Every voter
Of every FL county I'm
Choosing litigation
Trying to get ahead of you
Like a hurt lost and blinded pol
Oh no they've punched two holes
It burns me up

Consider this
The turn of the century
Consider this
The count that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all my vote tallies
Come tumbling down
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you won
I think I thought I ought to sigh

Bet this is Nader's dream
We needed all the Greens

Lottery Win

Dear State Lottery Commission:

I know I chose the winning numbers for Wednesday's Lotto drawing.

But upon further review, it appears the incorrect numbers appeared on my ticket. How could this happen? The root cause of this dilemma is the form I filled out to get my ticket. The form is very confusing. I thought I was choosing one set of numbers, (the winning numbers), when in reality I chose a completely different set of numbers. The numbers and boxes on the form are so close together, it's impossible to determine which box to fill in for which number.

I checked with at least 3,000 other people, and they all had the exact same problem. I'm sure if you review the form I filled out, it will become very clear that I'm entitled to the money from Wednesday's drawing.

Please reply with the date, time, and location, for me to collect the winnings due to me.

Thank you for your assistance in this matter.

Al Gore

Independence Revocation

London, 10th November 2000

To the citizens of the United States of America,

Following your failure to elect a President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary
2. Start referring to "soccer" as football
3. Your language will now be referred to as "American". Actual English will be taught as a second language until mastered by a percentage of the populace.
4. Driving on the left is now compulsory -recall all cars to effect the change immediately.
5. Sexual frequency will be reduced by 75% to bring it inline with the rest of the commonwealth.
6. All Starbucks must serve only tea.
7. Declare war on Quebec

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation and... cheerio!

Inappropriate TV

The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.

However, they disagreed on the details...

The Republican candidate, George W Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Amercians with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore says there is too much bush.

Politicians

I looked at the network television schedule for tonight (election night in the USA) and saw that I had four choices -- election coverage, election coverage, election
coverage, and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

Some choice -- all the shows are about blood-sucking parasites who are masters of deception and prey on the innocent.

New Version of "Survivor" Series to debut

Network television is developing a "Texas Version" of "Survivor", the popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock...

....driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm for Gore, I'm Gay and I'm Here to Take Your Guns".

The first to complete the round trip is the winner !

Al Gore's Package

Al Gore is on the cover of Rolling Stone next issue; rumor has it his "package" was airbrushed, purportedly to *reduce* the size of his he-man alpha-male package so as not to offend any of RS's readers.

Clearly, Al Gore is going for the schwing voters.

Debate Transcripts

For those who don't have time to watch the (U.S.) presidential debate, I've prepared this transcript of what will be said:

Jim Lehrer:
Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.

The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer:
Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush:
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer:
Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush:
The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer:
Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore:
Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer:
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

Gore:
It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer:
Gov. Bush?

Bush:
That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer:
It's time for closing statements.

Gore:
I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush:
It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.

Lehrer:
Good night.

Republican Party

Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land!"

Now Bush Jr. wants to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.

Bush Jr. wants to change the Republican Party Emblem from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.

Top 7 signs that Richard Cheney has a bad heart

7) Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.

6) His cholesterol level is directly proportional to the National Debt.

5) He owns a signed copy of Ted Kennedy's "Joy of Grease."

4) He can only donate blood to people with Type Nacho Cheese.

3) After every press conference there's a man standing over his body saying, "Clear!"

2) Let's face it: He's a politician.

And the number one sign that Richard Cheney has a bad heart:

1) During the Persian Gulf War he arrived in Kuwait with a spoon and bib, eagerly awaiting "Operation Dessert Storm."

TOP 10 GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS

1) I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

2) I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

3) I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.

4) Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

5) Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

6) I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.

7) New penal plan: I won't use mine!

8) Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

9) George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers

10) Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

Republican Lightbulb

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy one:

12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb;

23 to deregulate the light bulb industry;

16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;

34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs;

9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs;

53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb;

41 to chat with defence contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead;

And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.

Bush-Quayle Ticket

Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the 'short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.

For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).

Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the 'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to."

Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage."

For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell 'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was "clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to use one before.

Electioneering

Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled
simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New
England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates
worked their way through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies
and beaming mightily.

Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the
candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with
half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to
move through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.

"That man's persistence yonder," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."

"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself voting for an asshole who hasn't the brains to come in out of the rain."

Pentagon

Pentagon Buzz-Phrases

Essentially complete...
It's half done.

We predict ...
We hope to God!

Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk:
100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.

Potential show stopper...
The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems...
It'll take a miracle.

Basic agreement has been reached...
The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.

Results are being quantified...
We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review...
Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project.

Not well defined at this time...
Nobody's even thought about it.

Still analyzing the requirements...
See previous answer.

Not well understood...
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.

Requires further analysis and management attention...
Totally out of control!

Results are promising...
Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time.

Red China

Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China?
A: You never leave home.

Better Programmer

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled, "Jesus saves"

Minister, Priest, and Rabbi

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Think I'll Pass

The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

It'll ALL Come Back...

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower.

The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of Ј25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

9. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

10. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

Truckers at the Pearly Gates

Three truck drivers die and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St.Peter asks the first truck driver, "Did you ever break the law?"

The truck driver responds, "Sure."

St. Peter then asks him, "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"

The driver responds, "All the time."

Then St. Peter asks him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The truck driver heartily responded, "Every chance I got."

St. Peter then told the first truck driver to select door number 3 of the three available doors.

Then St. Peter asks the second truck driver, "Did you ever break the law?"

The truck driver responds, "Sometimes."

"Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"

"Every now and then."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

"A couple of times."

St. Peter told truck driver number 2 to also enter door number 3.

St. Peter now asks truck driver number 3 the same questions. "Did you ever break the law?"

The truck driver says, "No."

He then asks, "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"

Again the driver responds, "No".

St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The truck driver thought a couple of seconds and said, "Well, once. You see, I was in this bar in Nebraska. I noticed they only had one woman in it for all of the men. I asked the bartender why this was and he said, 'Well, she's all we need. She can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.' so that's when I cheated on my wife."

St. Peter then told the truck driver to enter door number 1.

The truck driver, in amazement, asks, "What?? You sent the others to door number 3??"

St. Peter calmly replies, "Yes, they're going to hell. But we're off to Nebraska!"

Find Jesus

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Walk on Water

At an interfaith retreat some time ago, the organizers decided to allow for a free afternoon of just socializing. A priest, minister, and a rabbi went fishing together.

After awhile, the priest said, "Brother, Rabbi, would you please both excuse me, I've got to pee." He laid down his fishing pole, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked across the water to the shore. He finished his business, then walked back across the water to the boat.

The minister said, "Father, I didn't want to be the first to have to go," stood up, stepped over the side of the boat,and walked right on top of the water to the shore. He also finished his business, zipped up, and walked back on the water right back to the boat.

The rabbi was awestruck. Imagine -- WALKING on water! He thought to himself, "well, if they can do this, so can I!" He excused himself to the priest and minister, put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and sunk like a rock.

The priest turned to the minister and said, "You think we should have told him where the rocks were?"

Tough Guy

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"

"About three minutes ago."

Actual Church Signs

"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

3 Doors of Hell

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.

Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.

Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"

Pray People, Pray...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxidriver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Drunk Confession

A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Feed the Cattle

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

My Father...

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."