Friday, December 21, 2007

Yo Mama

Yo mama so fat and stupid she brought a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama is so poor that she thought a quarter back was a refund.

Yo mama is so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican Phone Company!!

Yo mama is so fat that she walked in front of the T.v. and I missed 15 minutes of my show.

Yo mama is so poor she chased the garbage truck with a shopping list in her hand.

Yo mama is so poor that she can't pay attention.

Yo mama is so old that I said act your age and she droped dead.

Yo mama is so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested for mooning.

Yo mama is so ugly that she has a sign in her yard that says beware of dog.

Yo mama has so many gaps between her teeth it looks like a piano.

Yo Mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton

Yo mama is so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed

Yo mama is so stupid that she thought Taco Bell was a phone book.

Yo mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.

Yo mama so fat that when God said "Let there be light" he made her move.

Yo mama is so fat when she goes swimming all the kids yell Shamu.

Yo mama is so fat that she has more rolls then Betty Crocker.

Yo Mama so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed.

Yo Mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car

Yo Mama's so dumb, she flunked recess!

Yo mama so fat, she hung her picture on the wall and the whole wall fell down.

Yo mama's like a hockey puck. Everyone has a shot!

Yo mama's fat that she has to wear a sign that says "Caution: wide turns"

Yo mama is so stupid you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in her ears.

Yo mama is so stupid that someone told her to go buy a color T.V. and 3 hours later she came back and asked "Which color?"

Yo mama so stupid she spent 20 minutes starring at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.

Yo mama is so stupid that she ran around the bed twice to try to catch some sleep.

Yo mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes North Carolina, Georgia, Arizona, Nevada.....

Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, everyone yells, "Push her in!!! Push her in, she's gonna die!!!"

Yo mama so fat she puts on her belt with a sling shot.

Yo mama so fat her belt size is equator.

Yo Mama is so stupid she maried Yo Daddy!!!!

Yo Mama is so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World!!!!

Yo Mama is so fat that when she gets in the elavator it HAS to go down

Yo Mama is so fat that when she has sex she has to give directions!!!

Yo mama is so stupid she tried to drown a fish.

Yo Mama's so stupid she thinks having an ugly-ass kid like you was her greatest achievement!

Yo Mama's so dumb, she fell out of the tree raking leaves.

Yo Mama's so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo Mama's so stupid she clicked on an Ad Banner!

Yo Mama's so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

Yo Mama's so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo Mama's so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo Mama's so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo Mama's so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo mama's so poor, that when she goes to KFC, she licks other peoples fingers.

Yo mama's so fat, she needs 2 watches, one for each time zone.

Yo mama's so ugly, she even puts you to shame

Yo Mama is so nasty she has to creep up on the bath water to take a bath.

Yo Mama is so fat that when she gets on the scale it says to be continued...

Yo mama is so ugly and stupid that when I told her she got hit with an ugly stick she checked for a bruise.

Yo Mama so stupid you ran into an antique shop and said "whats new"

Yo Mama so fat all the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama".

Yo Mama so fat her nickname is "DAAAMN!!"

Yo Mama so fat she's on BOTH sides of the family.

Yo Mama so fat she could sell shade.

Yo Mama so fat when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.

Yo Mama so fat if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it !

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo mama's so fat she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!"

Yo mama's so fat people call her moses, cause every time she steps in water it parts!

Yo Mama so poor that all she could afford to exchange at Christmas were glances.

Yo Mama so poor that she couldn't even afford to scratch an itch.

Yo Mama so poor that she ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo Mama so poor that when you asked what was for dinner yo mama put her foot on the table, pointed to her feet, and said "Corn"

Yo Mama so poor that when someone asked where the bathroom was, she replied "Pick a corner... any corner.

Yo mama is so old that her social number is 000-00-0001.!

Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on the bus, she sits next to everyone!

Yo mama is so fat that I swerved to avoid her in the road and I ran out of gas!!!!!

Yo mama is so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone!

Yo mama's so fat that when she says she can't be in two places at once, she's lying!

Yo mama is so fat she had her baby picture taken by satellite.

Yo mama is so fat that when she got on an airplane, only the wings took off!

Yo mama is so fat that when she went to the airport and asked for the next flight out, they stamped 'Goodyear' on her butt and stuck her on the runway!

Yo mama's so fat, she has her own gravitational pull!

Yo mama is so bald..... I can read her mind!!!

Yo mama's so ugly that when she went to the plasic surgeon, he wanted to add a tail.

Yo mama so dumb that when you give her a penny for her thoughts, you would get change coming back.

Yo mama is so poor that she can't pay attention.

Yo mama is so old that I said act your age and she dropped dead.

Yo mama is so ugly that she has a sign in her yard that says beware of dog.

Yo mama is so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed

Yo Mama is so ugly she went to the Ugly Contest and the scouts said no professionals!

Yo Mama's teeth is so yellow she put the sun out of business!

Yo Mama is so ugly that they have to tie a T-Bone steak around her neck for the dog to play with her!!

Dating a Consultant

You Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant when....

10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period".

9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.

8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is your day."

7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.

6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.

5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."

4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.

3. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals.

2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.

1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win".

Bad Day

You Know You're having a bad day when...

- Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.

- It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

- You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

- You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.

-> You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

- A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

- When I was born...the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father... "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But he still pulled through."

- Steak and sex, my favourite pair. I have them the same way, very rare.

- I told the bartender to surprise me, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife. I said, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everyone".