TV Listings v.2.

...TV listings that appeared in the Marin Independent Journal:

9 p.m. "Nash Bridges." Baseball superstar Barry Bonds guests in this episode about a professional ball player who hires Nash and Dominguez to find his lost modesty. Channel 5.

1 p.m. "NFL Playoffs." The Dallas Cowboys and their probation officers visit the Carolina Panthers. Channel 2.

8:30 a.m. "Laurel and Hardy." Scenes of physical violence without realistic consequences may be inappropriate for younger viewers. American Movie Classics.

9 p.m. "Party of Five." There are hints that Neve Campbell's character may be going to Europe. The same thing happened to Shannen Doherty's character on "Beverly Hills 90210.'' Maybe they can share a flat in Obscurityville. Channel 2.

11:35 p.m. "The Tonight Show." Cuba Gooding apologizes to the nation for that whole "Show Me the Money'' catch-phrase thing. Channel 4.

8 p.m. "Hyenas: Nature's Gangsters." This is an animal suffering from a public relations problem. Discovery Channel.

7 p.m. "Jeopardy." The Celebrity Week fun continues with Donna D'Errico, one of the uber blondes from "Baywatch." Categories include "Famous Tan Lines", "Starts with "Duh", "Silicone Valley" and "Mall History." Channel 7.

9 p.m. "Interview with the Vampire" (1994). Tom Cruise is a bloodsucker who drains the life from everything around him. In this movie, he plays a vampire. Channel 4.

8 p.m. "Police Academy III" (1986). This is the one where they track down the screenwriters and arrest them for conspiracy to commit bad comedy. TNT.

9 p.m. "Walker: Texas Ranger." While on undercover assignment as a high school teacher, Walker is pinned down in a vicious spitball shootout. Channel 5.

8 p.m. "Air America" (1990). Robert Downy Jr. unwittingly smuggles drugs for the CIA during the Vietnam War. We don't know where he's scoring these days. Channel 36.

5 p.m. "World Series." It's not about winning. It's not about the money. It's about the love of the game. Just kidding. It's about the money. Channel 2.

7 p.m. "The Lion King" (1994). The Disney blockbuster comes to
television with all the music, all the love, all the splendor and all the colossal ratings that are so important during sweeps month. Channel 7.

Movie Critic

Movie critic Rex Reed was arrested after he was caught by store security allegedly removing three compact discs from a midtown Manhattan record store.

Reed says he was simply borrowing the CDs for review on his television show. Critics give his flimsy excuse, 2 Thumbs down. Unfortunately with a name like REX, he’ll probably get 2 thumbs UP if he receives jail time.

Who Wants to marry a Millionaire?

Various versions of the popular gameshow that never saw the light of day...

> Gay version:
Who wants to not be legally allowed to marry a multimillionaire?

> Inverted version:
Who wants to buy a trophy wife?

> Fox version. Oh wait, this is on Fox already:
Who wants to marry trailer trash?

> Cancelled version:
Who wants to marry a nice, generally decent guy?

> Crossover version for sweeps week:
a) Hour 1 - Who wants to be a millionaire?
Contestants answer a series of progressively difficult questions to win a million dollars.
They then walk through a door into
b) Hour 2 -- Who wants to marry a game show millionaire?

> Never even got a pilot:
Who wants to win marriage to a multimillionaire?
Contestants answer a series of difficult questions. The guy picks the smartest one without seeing them in a swimsuit.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A man comes home from work and says to his wife, "Honey, whaddya say we go upstairs and have a little sex?"

"No," she replies, "I have a headache."

"Is that your final answer?" he asks.

"Of course."

"In that case, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

Pinky and the Brain?...

...My vision of how the AOL/Time Warner merger *really* was planned goes something like this:

The scene: Steve Case's home in McClean, Virginia.
The lighting is oddly dark and menacing, and in addition
to the open wine bottle on the table, there are some odd
burbling beakers visible in the background ...

Gerry Levin: "So, Steve, what do you want to do tonight?"

Steve Case: "What we do every night, Gerry. Try to take over the world!"

[Note - They're Gerry, they're Gerry and the Case, Case, Case, Case...]

TV listings

TV Listings For The Year 2000

NBC
8:00 Friends
8:30 Girlfriends
9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends
9:30 My Gay Friends
10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don't

FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode

UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through

PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film

E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills

ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Coed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui

LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Fourth Husband in Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television

TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped in Pigturd!
8:30 Roadkill Recipe to Warm the Cockles of Your Heart
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-ewt!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get the Rifle From the Truck

AOL Time Warner

Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner...

10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".

9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just wont work.

8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal.

7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.

6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.

5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.

4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.

3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.

2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.

and the number one change....

1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."

Choose Teletubbie

... The following test was developed by a combination of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are extremely accurate in describing your personality with one simple question.

Which is your favourite Teletubbie:
A.Yellow
B.Purple
C.Green
D.Red

Decide, then SCROLL DOWN

V
V
V
V

Profile for women...

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people.

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.

D.If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.

Profile for men.............

A.If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
B.If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay
C.If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
D.If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.

Star Wars

...It was Christmas time and Princess Leah was doing her shopping on Oxford Street, London and she bumped into Darth Vader.
After initial greetings Darth Vader tells her:-
"I know [ckooww] what Luke [ckooww] Skywalker is getting [ckooww] you for Christmas."
"How do you know that?"
"I felt his Presents".

The Dark Side

... Choose the force. Choose a side, choose a Jedi knight, choose a teacher, choose a f***ing big death star, choose star destroyers, blasters, tie-fighters and a light-sabre. Choose a black suit, black helmet and boots. Choose a loan from Jabba the Hut. Choose a philosophy.

Choose an Emperor. Choose a planet with a matching moon. Choose a three-planet system in the Dromoda system and f***ing enslave them. Choose the Rebels and wondering why the f*** you are kneeling by the Emperor on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting next to that Emperor watching whole planets being enslaved in mind-controlling, force-crushing battles, stuffing f***ing replacement parts into your body. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable death star, nothing more than a dictator to the selfish, evil f***ed up brats who fight for you. Choose a future. Choose the Force. I choose not to choose the Force. I choose
something else...

.. I choose...The Dark Side.

The Wizard of Oz

... Actual extract from film magazine:

Movie: "The Wizard of Oz":
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.

Viagra Testing

Bob Dole participated in the testing of Viagra, and has apparently agreed to do some promotionals for the drug.
Possible content: "I didn't win the Presidency, but with Viagra I can act like I did!"

Something About Viagra

* A crate load of Viagra was stolen from a distribution depot - Police were looking for hardened criminals.

* It has been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff sentencing
...Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

* There's a new beverage on the market today. It is called Viagraccino - one cup and you are up all night

* A man and his wife went to the chemists to pick up his prescription. Seeing the Ј10 per pill price, the man was astonished - but his wife had a different opinion - Oh, Ј40 a year ain't too bad.

* A report out today states that gardeners will not need to stake tomato plants any longer. Just one Viagra tablet in their water, and they stand up straight and firm.

* What's the difference between Niagara and Viagra? - Niagara Falls

Blonde Christmas Story

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"