Friday, December 14, 2007

Wrong Kid

You Know You Hired the wrong kid to mow your lawn when:

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulche

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes

Job Last Day

You know it was your last day at your job when...

1. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.

2. As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

3. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

4. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

5. You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.


You might be from Colorado if:

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.

2. You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a Mcdonald's in Vail.

3. You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that
wears a bandanna.

4. Your real Y2K fear is running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.

5. The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

6. You think that formal wear is ironed denim.

7. North means "mountains to the left"; south is "mountains to the right"; and east and west are where all those liberals keep moving in from.

8. You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and Birkenstocks.

9. You have stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.

San Francisco

You know you're in San Francisco when...

1. Your co-worker tells you she/he has 8 body piercings but none are visible.

2.You make over $100,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

3. You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.

4. You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

5. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

6. You know that anyone wearing shorts in July must be visiting from Ohio.

7. You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.

8. Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers"....and it's not the first time you have seen him/her nude.

9. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze," and, after telling that to a friend, your friend still needs to ask if the teacher is male or female.

10. You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.

11. You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.

12. A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

13. A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.

14. You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest.

15. You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

16. You keep a list of companies to boycott.

Man's World

You know you're in a man's ideal world when:

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

New Lawyer

You Know You need a new lawyer when...

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7. A prison guard is shaving your head.

8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

No Frills

You Know You've chosen a "No-Frills" airline when...

1) They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

2) All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

3) Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

4) You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

5) Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

6) The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

7) When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

8) The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

9) You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

10) No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

11) You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

12) All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Perfect Job?

You Know You're in the perfect job when the office signs read:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity....probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.


19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Workplace Alcohol

You Know alcohol should be served at work because..

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't are.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross,"

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Corporate America

You know you work in Corporate America if ...

1) You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

2) Your resume is on a disk in your pocket.

3) When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

4) You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

5) You learn about your layoff on CNN.

6) Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

7) Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

8) You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

9) Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

10) It's dark when you drive to and from work.

11) Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

12) "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.

13) You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

14) Free food left over from meetings is your main staple diet.

15) Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

16) Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

17) You're already late on the assignment you just got.

18) Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

19) Your boss' favorite lines are "When you get a few minutes", "In your spare time", "When you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."

20) Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

Are ALL Cops Overweight?

You Know You're an Overweight Cop When:

1. You spend the majority of your time trying to apprehend Big Macs.

2. You have two holsters: One for your gun, one for hotdog.

3. The last time you saw your feet, "Kojak" was on in prime time.

4. Instead of yelling "Freeze!," you yell "Fritos!"

5. Even patrol car's big block engine can't propel you more than 30 mph.

6. You sometimes work undercover as a sofa.

7. You take the phrase "Take a bite out of crime" too literally.

8. Several times a year, rescue workers have to use jaws of life to get you out of your squad car.

9. Your butt is known as the fourth precinct.

10. You're frequently used as a roadblock.

WalMart Fun!

Top 20 Fun Things to do at Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

5. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

6. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

7. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

8. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

9. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

10. Play with the automatic doors.

11. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

12. Repeat Number 14 in the jewellry department.

13. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

14. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

15. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

16. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

17. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

18. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

19. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

20. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

Office Activities

You Know You're Top 8 Office Activities when your Boss is on the first day of his Vacation are:

8) "Best imitation of the boss" contest wins everything in the supply room

7) Lock-jimmying contest, immediately followed by a charity raffle of executive office furniture.

6) The battle begins for the coveted "Solitaire, Minesweeper, Tetris" Triple Crown.

5) Visit local nude beach for daily *staff* meeting.

4) Staple that dweeb from accounting to the wall.

3) Take pictures of his favourite coffee cup in the toilet. Save for resignation day.

2) Purchasing vs. Receiving: Let's Get Ready to Rummmmbllllle!

1) Convincing the boss's daughter to be your intern.

Caught Sleeping

You Know You're Going to use these Top 15 Excuses when Caught Sleeping at Work

1. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

3. "I was working smarter -- not harder."

4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."

5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."

8. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

9. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learnt at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!"

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

14. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

15. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

Love Your Job

Top 12 Reasons You Know You Love Your Job:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.